Size Matters

Just five weeks to go now. I am determined to remain in a zen-like state of beatific calm for the duration. After all there's not much to do except pack the hospital bag, make a birth plan, assemble the crib, wash all the clothes, get a buggy, buy all the other stuff, read all the books, frantically cram eight months' worth of pelvic floor exercises into five weeks and move house.

At least we've finished all our ante-natal classes now. Yesterday's was about breastfeeding. I was reminded once again that I am entering a strange new world, one where people can keep an entirely straight face while saying things like, "Can we park the nipple shield for a moment?"

It was during this class I learned the Hooter Hider is a thing that exists. Invented (and one can only assumed named) by an American lady, it is designed for use while breastfeeding in public. Presumably to stop the people around you turning to stone should their gaze accidentally fall on a bit of your tit.

As you can see, it is both stylish AND practical.

Anyway we've managed to buy some nappies, after only a brief row about it.

"What size shall we get?" said Pete, pointing to the packages of newborn nappies marked "Size 1" and "Size 2".

"Well, I am pretty sure newborn babies are quite small," I said. "So I would go for Size 1."

"Hmm," said Pete. "I think we should get Size 2, to be on the safe side. What if Size 1 is too small?"

"Look here," I said, picking up a pack of the Size 1s. "It says this size is suitable for babies weighing up to 11 pounds."

"But just in case..."

"I am getting the Size 1 nappies," I said. "If the baby weighs more than 11 pounds you can get whatever size you like, as I will be dead."

Just five weeks to go now.