When I first found out I was pregnant, I did what any right-thinking person would do on being confronted with the prospect of a momentous life-changing experience: I looked to see if there was an app about it.
There are many, of course. There are fertility calendars and pregnancy trackers and kick counters and even "iPregnancy Tests" ("The MOST fun you can have pretending to see if you're pregnant! Complete with new 'Baby-Daddy Generator'!").
I downloaded what looked like one of the most popular apps, Baby Bump. I'm pretty sure it was developed in the USA, judging by the relentless cheerfulness and lack of advice about what to do if your local hospital is infested with mice.
I'm finding it quite hard to absorb the information on offer. This is mainly due to the fact the topic headlines make me want to tear off chunks of my own flesh. Here are some samples:
Paint Those Pretty Piggies Safely
To Shop, or Not to Shop?
Don't Hem and Haw About Haemorrhoids
I Smell Scrapbooking Party!
But perhaps the most odious bits of advice are those prefaced with "Just for Dad". Like this one:
"Get Your Shut-Eye"
"We always hear about how important it is for the expectant mother to get plenty of rest during pregnancy." Yes we do. There is a reason for this.
"But it's also important for the father-to-be to rest up as the big day approaches." After all, he is the one who will be physically enduring the long, exhausting and torturous process of giving birth for potentially days on end. Hang on wait.
Here are some more wise words:
"Make Room for Daddy"
"During pregnancy, it's usually the expectant mother who gets the bulk of the attention. But don't feel left out, your part in this new life is just as important." I don't think I need to say anything about this.
"Don't hesitate to proclaim to the important people in your life how proud you are. This should remind them that there's more to making a baby than just a mommy." Yes. Let's not forget YOUR contribution to creating new life - half an hour of thrusting is entirely equivalent to nine months of physical hardships and hormonal turmoil followed by 36 hours of agony.
"As for passersby, there's no sense in speaking up to someone you'll probably never see again, so let those moments be mommy's time to shine." That's right Dad, let your wife bang on as much as she likes to total strangers - but when it comes to friends and family, make sure you steal that limelight.
Then there's this:
"Dads Need Pampering, Too"
I'm not even going to dignify this one with a full quote, suffice to say it features the words "focus on yourself" and "massage".
Or how about this one?
"A Baby Shower... For Dad?"
As above. Key points: "golf", "sports bar", "cigars and gifts".
In the interests of fairness I should point out the majority of advice in the app is directed at "mommy". It fits into two categories, which can be summarised as "Things To Avoid" and "Things Which Are Allowed".
"Things To Avoid" include raw meat, cooked meat, cats, dogs, animals in general, eating too much, not eating enough, running, cleaning, painting, sleeping on your back, sleeping on your right, hot baths, beef, buffets, sugar, sunlight and anything made of plastic. Plus many more.
"Things Which Are Allowed" include meditating, using a seatbelt and "pregnancy dancing". And not much else.
So much for pregnancy apps. Might just stick with Bejeweled Blitz.