Friday, 8 April 2011

Best Laid Plans

Just two and a half months to go now. I'm not panicking. Plenty of time to buy all the things I haven't gotten around to purchasing yet, which is basically everything except several dozen babygros with cute ducks on.

People keep asking me if I have a Birth Plan. I do. It is this:

1. Go to hospital.

2. Have baby.

3. Er, that's it.

I have been offered the option of having a home birth, but this doesn't really appeal. I'd rather be where all the drugs and doctors and surgeons are, in a nice clean hospital bed. I imagine being hooked up to every available monitor with dozens of wires like in The Matrix, with computers keeping track of the baby's every movement and feeding live updates to my Facebook page.

I can't say I fancy the alternative much, i.e. lying on my DFS sofa screaming while Pete runs a Stanley knife under the tap.

People also keep asking me whether I'm getting excited yet. As I've been telling them, it's a bit like when you're a kid waiting for Christmas - there's that same sense of thrilling anticipation and joyful impatience, but with a twist.

You know you're going to have this amazing day where you receive this fantastic gift, but at the same time, you know you're going to have to spend the morning of that day being repeatedly stabbed in the genitals before you can open your presents.

Roll on 24th June.


  1. Really isn't as bad as you think (so my wife tells me).

    She refused any drugs and liked it so much she wanted another baby! :) And she had that one without medicine, either.

    I know it's - "she didn't so you won't have to" - which is annoying to listen to/read. But I'm sure you'll be fine, is all I'm saying.

    The real hard stuff comes once she or he is running around pulling plaster off the walls and locking you out the house. (Ask Pat!)

    Good luck!


  2. The main thing that comes to my mind when thinking of about home births is who has to clean up afterwards?

  3. no-one ever looks at your birth plan anyway